The year after losing a loved one is often one of the hardest transitions in one’s life. The first year after a death is normally a blur filled with “first” events, such as holidays, birthdays and even family gatherings. In Jewish tradition, the unveiling (the formal revealing of the headstone) marks an important point and helps move from the intense sadness that the first year produces to a more lasting way of remembering the person. However, as the unveiling date draws nearer, families often find themselves at a fork in the road: do we need a rabbi to perform the Unveiling?
Most of the time, funerals are large public events, but unveilings are usually small intimate groups of family and friends. Therefore, many families will ask themselves whether they would prefer to pray and read themselves or hire a professional to “hold” the ceremony. Balancing a commitment to tradition with the financial aspects of growing “death care” budgets can become an emotional struggle. Understanding both the costs and the requirements needed will allow you to plan a ceremony that really reflects the legacy of your loved one and provides you with spiritual strength.
The Unveiling: Key Facts at a Glance
Upon determining whom to invite to the unveiling, it is important to understand what is done and when is the appropriate time for an unveiling ceremony.
- Timing for Unveilings: Traditionally, you can choose to have an unveiling anytime from Shloshim (30 days) to your First Yahrzeit (1-year).
- Unveiling is a Minhag & not a Halacha: Unveilings are defined as customs (Minhag) and not as requirements (Halacha) by Jewish law.
- A Minyan is needed for Minyan and Mourner’s Kaddish: When having an unveiling, a minimum of 10 adult Jews is not necessary. However, if the family wants to say Mourner’s Kaddish, there must be a minimum of 10 adult Jews present at the ceremony.
- Elements of the Ceremony: Generally, an unveiling ceremony contains 4 components: (1) recital of psalms (usually Psalms 23 or 121); (2) brief thoughts shared by family members present at the unveiling; (3) removal of the covering of the plaque; and (4) placement of stones on the headstone.
Comparative Analysis
If you’re looking for someone to officiate your family member’s funeral service, you have an important decision to make: do you hire a professional rabbi or allow a family member or friend to lead the ceremony? Here are some things to consider when making your decision.
1. Rabbi as Officiant
Some families prefer to have a rabbi officiate their loved one’s funeral service because it brings them peace and helps structure the service. Rabbis recite the Hebrew prayers exactly as they should be and provide a spiritual “anchor” so that families can focus on grieving instead of worrying about the details of the service.
2. DIY Officiant
You do not have to hire a rabbi to officiate your family member’s funeral service; someone else can lead. Leading the service by yourself makes the service feel more special and informal. Both Hebrew and English versions of the prayers are available in “unveiling booklets” provided by many cemeteries/synagogues.
| Feature | Rabbi-Led Ceremony | DIY Ceremony |
| Average Cost | $500 to $800 | $0 to $50 |
| Spiritual Tone | Formal, traditional, and guided | Intimate, personal, and relaxed |
| Preparation | Low (Rabbi handles the liturgy) | High (Family must organize prayers) |
| Expertise | Professional delivery of Hebrew prayers | Personal connection to the deceased |
| Cemetery Coordinaton | Often handled by the Rabbi | Handled by the family |
Breaking Down the Costs
According to estimates from 2026, the typical rabbi charging to perform an unveiling ceremony will have a fee ranging from $500-$800. Factors that can affect rabbi fees include:
- Distance from the cemetery to the rabbi’s location; if the cemetery is outside of the rabbi’s area, travel fees may be incurred
- Well-known and/or long term judaic leader could charge higher rates for time spent at the cemetery.
- Level of acquaintance with the rabbi; some rabbis provide families they’ve worked with previously, an amount of discount.
- Headstone Engraving; this would normally be classified as a separate expense because of what is currently being reported statistically about the average cost of headstone engraving being $20-$25 per character (for the first 20-30 characters).
Which Path Should You Choose?
Creating a DIY memorial service can be a wonderful way to honour and celebrate your loved one if you are comfortable reading Hebrew, or if you want to have a private moment with your family. If you are grieving then leading a service may seem overwhelming and so hiring a Rabbi is usually worth the investment for peace of mind.
Ultimately the purpose of the service is “Kevod HAMet”, or honouring a person who has passed. It does not matter if you lead the prayers or if you have a professional helping you, what truly matters is that your family is present and that you are remembering your loved one.
Conclusion
Planning an unveiling requires a high level of thought and consideration. This type of decision is often made by a family as a way to honour their loved one’s memory in a way that is comfortable and in keeping with their traditions. When searching for a qualified officiant, it is important to look for someone who can bring that expertise and empathy to the family’s needs at the time of the unveiling. Rabbi Ron Bordon has been providing meaningful, personalized Jewish ceremonies for many years and is well known for his ability to guide families through these very difficult times and create an opportunity to celebrate their loved ones in a way that is respectful and honourable.
FAQs
Wait, is it actually a ‘rule’ that I need a rabbi?
In fact no! Many people confuse religious milestones with a requirement for having some kind of ‘official’, however unveiling is actually a custom (minhag) and is not a concrete commandment. Therefore think of it as a tradition shared by the entire community and thus you are able to lead it as the family member who would read the psalms would be. There are also families that choose to hire a Rabbi such as Rabbi Ron Bordon, because they want someone who can carry the weight of emotion and be able to deal with the Hebrew, however it’s really a matter of choice, not a requirement.
What happens if I can’t get 10 people there? Does the ceremony still count?
Of course. The only required part of the ceremony that needs 10 adults (minyan) is reciting Kaddish (Mourner’s Kaddish). If you do not have 10 adults, you can still read the readings, tell stories, and take away the veil. Therefore, whether you have two or three people by the grave or 10 people there, you will be honouring the deceased.
I’m on a tight budget after the funeral costs—is the DIY route tacky?
Definitely not. Many folks view doing-it-yourself ceremonies as more emotive than the traditional ones due to the attentive emphasis that will be placed on your own personality. If you are considering this option, most Jewish funeral homes or cemeteries offer an “unveiling booklet,” and there is usually either no cost or a very nominal charge (i.e., a couple of dollars) for it. Your most important “cost” in putting together a symbolic unveiling of a loved one will be simply the time spent compiling the readings; people will fondly recollect the love and time put into these readings.
What should I look for if I do decide to hire a rabbi?
Consider getting a consultation from the rabbi before hiring them as an officiant so that you can hear a few personal stories about your loved one. This will help ensure that your memorial service feels more personal and less “generic.” Don’t forget to inquire about the officiant’s honorarium in advance. The sooner you establish this information, the less likely you will be to experience an unpleasant surprise on the day of the memorial service.
